Dos and Don'ts Of Divorce When You Have a Toddler

SEATTLE, WA, May 26, 2011

Young children cope with divorce differently than older children. Toddlers are just beginning to become facile with language and parents may not always know what they need. So, what are some basic rules that parents can follow to help toddlers transition from one home to two homes as painlessly as possible.

1. Do not trash talk your ex in front of your child.
Toddlers and preschoolers pick up on even the subtlest conflict between parents. When parents are living in the same home, it can be hard on a child. But when parents move into separate home, the child may internalize the conflict and believe he or she did something wrong. The best thing you can do for your child is to shield them from the inevitable disagreements you have with the other parent.

2. Do take time for yourself.
Let's face it. Toddlers and preschoolers are delightful, but they are intense! As much as possible, you will want to be at the top of your game for your child. To get there, you need to give yourself some "time outs". You are in the middle of ending your relationship, trying to make ends meet, working, and trying to be a single-parent - give yourself a pat on the back and take time to take care of yourself. Don't be bashful about getting a therapist to talk to as well.

3. Do pay attention to notable changes in behavior.
Toddlers and preschoolers don't always understand the world around them and are just learning how to express themselves. This means that divorcing parents need to watch for changes in behavior. For example, toddlers and preschoolers might show signs of stress by an increase in tantrums, sleep problems, acting out, withdrawal, clinging and separation anxiety, bed wetting, thumb sucking, and forgetting toilet training. In a perfect world, you would want to talk to the other parent about these behaviors. But, in a perfect world, you probably wouldn't be getting divorce. If you are noticing changes in your child's behavior and discussing it with the other parent isn't an option for you, do not dwell on it with your child, but keep a log of the behaviors to see if there are any patterns that you are noticing and tell your child's pediatrician about it. It may also be time to seek the professional help of an attorney.

4. Do reassure your child that both parents love him or her.
Think about how many times you have to remind your toddler to say "please" and "thank you". Toddlers need to hear things over and over before it sticks. Be prepared that your toddler is going to have questions - maybe even the same questions. Remember, it's totally normal for your child to ask - it's a big change. The best thing you can do it reassure your little prince or princess that this change is not his or her fault - over and over and over again. And, don't forget to go back to the first rule of parenting - kids like routines. That rule still holds true. If you can avoid it, now is not the time to move away to another city. If your child is in a weekly activity, now is not the time to pull your kid out of that activity.

5. Do talk to your child, but be age-appropriate.
You're going to have to answer your little "bossy boss", possibly with some detail. And, when it happens, you may find yourself feeling emotional about it. Be ready for this moment. Better yet, try to be on the same page as your ex about it. Kids have the best BS detectors so, don't lie, be open and honest. But, be appropriate. There's no need to tell your child that mommy or daddy had an affair. Here are examples of how to tell your toddler you're getting a divorce:

"Mommy and Daddy could not find a way to work out our problems or to make things better. We've made mistakes and we're sorry that we're making you sad (angry)."

"Divorce is a grown-up problem and you are not to blame."

"We won't be living together anymore, but we both love you no matter where either of us lives."

"It's OK to tell me what you feel or think."

6. Do not prevent your ex from seeing your child unless you have a good reason.
Reassure your child that his or her world will still be secure by continuing to spend as much time as possible with your child. Your ex should do the same thing unless you have a serious concern about your ex. Examples of serious issues are when your ex has issues with alcohol, drugs, anger or rage. If these types of issues lead you to leave your relationship, be forewarned. You may have visions of co-parenting with your ex, but it's unlikely. These are issues that typically persist or get worse after divorce. Take care of yourself and your children and talk to a lawyer right away.

7. Do give your toddler playtime for coping.
Playtime is a wonderful way for children to cope with divorce. Kids can play act through Mommy, Daddy, and child dolls or stuffed animals. You can help them by telling creative stories about imaginary kids whose parents separated to help guide them and let your child know it's okay to feel sad sometimes. There are lots of age-appropriate books about divorce that you can read you're your child to help normalize living in two homes.

When you hire a lawyer, make sure that your attorney understands your values and priorities throughout the divorce process. Contact a Seattle family law attorney at 206-547-1486 or visit http://www.duboislaw.net.