Reducing the Stress of Co-Parenting After Divorce
Creating a parenting plan, talking with your children and avoiding a few harmful behaviors can go a long way towards easing the transition to post-divorce parenting.
July 08, 2011
Children may face a difficult transition when newly divorced parents first start sharing their children's time with one another.Young children may have a difficult time understanding the new situation. However, by explaining as simply as possible the prospective changes in living arrangements -- before they occur -- and speaking to your child about how both parents will still love and care for him or her no matter what changes take place and no matter where everyone lives, the effect of a difficult transition can be minimized for the child, and undue worry and distress or lasting psychological damage can be avoided.Keep the Best Interests of the Child in Mind
Divorce is hard on the whole family. While it can be easy for you and your spouse to get caught up in divorce proceedings, remember that it is often equally difficult for children. In Florida, the statutes require that, in any case with minor children, the court establish a parenting plan containing a detailed timesharing schedule by which the parties will abide after the divorce. The parenting plan may also cover other issues, such as which party's address will be utilized to determine the child's school district, how much phone contact each parent will have with the child while the child is with the other parent, what methods of communication the parties will use to communicate with one another, and anything else the parties wish to include so that such determinations are made in advance should conflict over any issue arise later. When possible, divorcing spouses may create and agree upon their own parenting plan; such settlement and the benefit of self-determination often results in the best outcome for the entire family in the long run.
Talk to Your Child
A conversation about the divorce with your children is essential. Once you have a plan in place, you can talk to your children with specifics. Where you and your child will live, how often you will see each other and repeated reassurances that you will be there for your child will help when talking to your child about life after divorce.
Remember to be age appropriate. A toddler will not understand the concept of seeing one parent on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Expect some initial confusion and frequent questions of "where's Mommy?" or comments such as "I miss Daddy" even if you have already explained several times you are no longer living with your ex-spouse. However, saying that both parents will still care and love the child is important, even to toddlers. Avoid arguing even in front of young children, as they can sense the tension even if they do not fully understand what is going on. Most importantly, no matter how angry or hurt you are, never criticize or disparage your ex-spouse in front of your child, as this is one of the most damaging acts and biggest mistakes divorcing parents make. Remember that your child is a part of BOTH you and your ex-spouse. Your child should be encourgaged to love both of you and to be allowed to love and enjoy life with both of you.
Do Not Give Your Child the Details
When talking to older children, it may be tempting to explain in detail why you divorced your spouse. However, listing extensive reasons why you divorced may make your child feel as if you are asking him or her to take sides. When asked why you are divorcing, try to speak in generalities. "We don't get along anymore" or "we've had some adult problems" answer a child's questions without getting too specific.
Create Rules for the Transition
Understanding how the transition between one parent and the other will go will greatly help to avoid stressful situations. Will one parent wait outside for the child? Go inside to pick him or her up? If the divorce was particularly difficult or if there has been a history of domestic violence, maybe a grandparent or family friend can act as a liaison during pick-ups and drop-offs so that the child is not forced into uncomfortable or angry situations.
The most important thing to remember is to have a plan, stick to it and avoid doing anything that would create any more tension or difficulty than already exists. While a tough transition, there is no reason a child cannot grow up in a healthy and supportive environment and feel stable and loved even after divorce.
Article provided by Lewert Law Offices, P.A.
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