Divorce ... for the Sake of the Children

July 14, 2011

One of the most common reasons that people stay in difficult marriages, even if they would like to get a divorce, is "for the sake of the children." People assume that it is better for their children to have both parents in the home, even in an unhappy marriage, than to have to grow up as children of divorced parents. However, there is debate among mental health professionals about which is more detrimental to children in the long run: having divorced parents or having parents who stay together but who are unhappy.

Traditional Notions About Divorce and Children

Conventional wisdom about children and divorce held that divorce is always a worse option for children than having parents in a difficult marriage. People thought that the dramatic upheavals caused by breaking up the family, and all the changes associated with it, far more detrimental than having parents who stayed together in an discordant relationship.

Early studies suggested that children of divorced parents have far more emotional issues and are far less well-adjusted than their peers whose parents were not divorced.

Rethinking Divorce and Children

When thinking about how divorce will impact a family, it is prudent to consider the effect of remaining in a difficult marriage, as well. People who are "staying together for the sake of the children" may be doing more harm than good for their children. They are potentially overlooking an important fact: children learn through observation. This principle applies to learning how to behave in relationships, as well.

Children learn to love by watching their parents interact. Children with parents who fight constantly and never show love for one another learn to treat others in the same manner. There is a high likelihood that they will carry those same behavior patterns over into their own marriages when they are adults.

Experts agree that children, even very young ones, are tuned into their parents' emotional states. If there is conflict between parents, children easily pick up on it and it becomes destructive to their own sense of well-being. In households where there is high conflict, the studies indicate that children do better after their parents' divorce because the constant fighting has stopped.

Every family is different and, therefore, the decision whether to get a divorce is highly personal. However, before making the assumption that the children will be better off if parents stay together, people thinking about getting a divorce should consider what they are teaching their children through their daily actions by remaining in their marriage.

Article provided by John S. Yohanan
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