Seven Reasons Why Every Leader Needs to Understand Shame

MENOMONIE, WI, April 24, 2012

No one wants to talk about shame. Isn't shame something that addicts talk about? Or counselors? That's good for them but most of us deal with more functional people who don't have shame...right?

Brene Brown, research professor of shame and vulnerability at the University of Houston, disagrees. She says that shame is something everyone has. It's universal. And it has reached epidemic proportions. Brown is often tapped by Fortune 500 companies to enhance work performance and spur innovation.

Personally, I never set out to study shame. It wasn't on my radar. The topic came to me fifteen years ago when I offered to be the spirituality consultant at a nearby addiction treatment center. I had no idea how I would approach the topic of spirituality in a secular facility. But after listening closely to clients for many weeks I heard them tell me that they wrestled with feeling worthless, that is, shame. So I read everything I could get my hands on about shame and then dialogued with clients about how connecting with God might help them find worth apart from their personal performance. This class is now rated one of the top sessions at the clinic.

But I found that this newly acquired insight into people wasn't reserved for addicts. Like Brown said, shame is universal. It relates to everyone. My understanding of shame has become a great asset in dealing with my family, my staff and the congregation I pastor.

When most people think of leadership topics they think about vision casting or speaking skills or teambuilding. I agree. But I now add to that list an understanding of shame. I think it is one of the most misunderstood, underrated and ignored topics in the field of leadership. I want to change that.

Here are seven reasons why I think every leader needs to understand shame.

1. Shame is universal. Everyone's got it. Shame is that feeling that comes over you when you feel like you don't measure up to expectations. Shame causes you to take a flying leap of logic. Instead of simply telling yourself, "I fell short. I'll try harder next time" shame speaks a lie to you that says, "Because you fell short you are worthless. You don't belong. You might as well give up." Understanding this about people will put you way ahead of the leadership game. If you ignore shame you will deal with people with one hand tied behind your back because you will miss the cues that they give off. By seeing their shame and speaking to it you will connect with people at a deeper level.

2. Shame drives our behavior. If you don't understand shame you won't understand why people do what they do. Much emotional energy is invested into compensating for shame. Some people spend energy distracting themselves from their shame. Others become overachievers trying to prove their worth while others spend time finding ways to self-destruct. If you understand shame you will better understand the people you lead and hopefully direct them away from counter-productive and destructive behavior.

3. Shame blocks constructive feedback. Shame based people may not always show it but they find it very hard to receive any kind of criticism since they already feel worthless. Criticism is like salt in their wound. If you don't understand this you might use the wrong approach to correct people. Some leaders default to an in-your-face management style. They don't hesitate to call people out in front of peers intending to "motivate" them. And then they get angry when they receive push-back. But more often than not this approach backfires. Simply adjusting your words, tone and approach can turn a hostile situation into a positive one that promotes transformative results.

4. Shame blocks innovation and creativity. In her 2012 TED Talk Brene Brown noted that she is increasingly being asked to speak on innovation in the workplace. What's that got to do with her expertise on shame? Everything. She mentions how shame prevents us from taking the risk of offering new innovative ideas. Old, tried and true ideas are safe. No one will criticize what works. Shame based people cling to ideas they know will find approval. But creative, innovative ideas take heat. Take scrutiny. If companies, churches and organizations want innovation they have to create an environment where people feel safe offering their out-of- the -box ideas.

5. Shame blocks humility. Jim Collins talks about a Level Five leader as someone who praises her team when things go well and takes responsibility for when things goes wrong. He says that this is a picture of humility. People with shame can't do this. They need to take the credit when things go right because they live for that kind of affirmation. And they can't take responsibility for mistakes because the weight of that would crush them. It only proves to them their worthlessness. Shame often masks as humility but it's not.

6. Shame blocks forgiveness. If you want to foster a culture of forgiveness and teamwork you need to understand shame. Forgiveness is a generous act. Shame can't afford to be generous. Shame keeps score of wrongs suffered and strikes back, seeks sympathy or suffers in silence... none of which your team can allow to fester. Shame doesn't let go. It lives with the thought, "You owe me" and is rarely satisfied.

7. Finally, shame drives many leaders I've observed that many people choose leadership roles or helping professions as a way to prove their worth to themselves and others. They may be talented in these areas but the true driving force is their need to be needed. But they can't give what they don't have. Leaders can only take people as far as they have gone themselves. If they are driven to be a leader to prove their worth to themselves or others then no matter how much success they achieve (and many do achieve success) it's a hollow victory. They are never satisfied. Their value is always at the top of the next hill, the next market launch, the next campaign or speech. But every good leader needs to have one eye on themselves to ask what is motivating them. To be a truly effective they need to eradicate their own shame first so their focus will be on leading others well and not seeking approval for themselves.

Understanding shame doesn't require a Ph.D. in psychology, just some basic insights into the inadequacy that overwhelms people and how they try to compensate for it.
As a leader you owe it to yourself and the people you lead to understand shame. It's not as sexy of a topic as vision casting or strategy development but your return on time invested in learning about shame will more than pay for itself.

F. Remy Diederich is the author of Healing the Hurts of Your Past; a guide to overcoming the pain of shame. He consults at Arbor Place Treatment Center and is the lead pastor of Cedarbrook Church. Remy blogs at readingremy.com To view Brene Brown's TED Talk visit http://bit.ly/HwVsIU

Cross Point Publishing is a Christian book publisher that seeks to "Open New Roads To Life" and give pastors and laypeople a way to share their message with all who seek to grow in their relationship with Jesus Christ. For further information contact us at: comments@crosspointpublishing.com