Helping Sons and Daughters Through Divorce

November 29, 2012

Sometimes no matter how hard it is on everyone in the family, for couples, divorcing is better than staying together. And if it's best for spouses to divorce, in the long run, it's probably better for their children, especially when the current situation is full of conflict. But the transition can be difficult for kids. For some, there can be long-term effects.

Thankfully, parents can go into the process with their eyes and minds open to ways to help their sons and daughters best cope. Some experts believe that many children survive the divorce experience with no significant negative impact. Moms and dads can behave in ways that will make that outcome more probable.

Here are some considerations parents who are planning to divorce should think about:
- Put Aside Negative Feelings: A parent should try to put aside negative feelings and attempt to work with the ex to allow for support, routine and discipline consistent for the kids. (Of course, in situations where one parent has trouble with alcohol or drugs, a history of abuse or other issues that might make a traditional parental relationship unhealthy for the kids, it will be a different story.)
- Communicate With Children About Blame: In some cases, depending on the age and maturity level of a child, he or she may blame themselves for the parental break-up. It's important for parents to help children understand that their divorce is between only them and that the children are not to blame for it.
- Be Honest When Child Have Questions: Parents should be honest with their kids about the divorce when they ask questions, but make it appropriate for their ages. Also, parents should avoid sharing adult details children don't need to know that would be hard for them to process.
- Withhold Negative Feelings About the Other Parent: A parent should avoid alienating children toward the other parent and should direct the need to discuss an ex's negative traits and actions to a trusted friend or a counselor, therapist or religious leader.
- Consult With a Child's Pediatrician: If parents see behavior that leads them to believe their son or daughter needs professional help, talking to the child's pediatrician about a mental-health referral is advised.
- Avoid Making a Child Choose: Parents should try not to send messages to the ex through the children and try not to make them choose one parent over the other. Kids should be able to feel they can see both parents without feeling guilty.
- Be Flexible: Balancing flexibility about the custody and visitation schedule is important because it makes things easier for everyone with the comfort that comes with a reliable schedule.
- Coordinate Holidays and Vacations: Parents should coordinate holiday and birthday plans and make sure they are set well in advance so everyone knows what to expect and special days are free from conflict.

It's essential, however, to understand that every child is unique and how to best assist a child in a divorce varies depending on his or her age, maturity and personality traits.

Following these important tips, though, can help parents strive to act in a way that's in the best interests of their children.

Article provided by Helzer Cromar & Schneider, LLP
Visit us at www.helzercromar.com