Essential advice for helping children through a divorce

April 05, 2013

Sometimes divorce is a necessary step to put an end to a couples' un-resolvable conflicts and create a more stable and peaceful home environment for their children. Even if it's better for everyone in the long run, the divorce process can be especially difficult for children.

Children can be keenly aware of their parents' every action and emotion, especially during a divorce. As a parent, negative feelings must be pushed aside in order to put children's needs first and help them cope with the changes divorce brings.

Often feeling as if they are losing their family, children may blame one or both parents for the upheaval. Some even come to believe that the parent who moves out of the house no longer loves them.

Fortunately, there are several things parents can do to ensure that children continue to feel safe and loved by both parents during the divorce process and after a divorce is final.

Communication is the key to helping families through a divorce

Remember that the divorce process is different for every family. Each adjusts differently, and what works for one may not be appropriate for another.

Communication is vital throughout the divorce process. Ask children how they are feeling about the divorce on a regular basis. Encourage them to express their feelings and emotions, even negative ones such as anger and sadness. When children are encouraged to share their emotions, they expect to see their parents expressing their own as well. Open communication about emotions helps children learn that expressing feelings, even negative ones, is not only permitted but even encouraged. However, if a parent's emotions are too volatile to express to their children, it may be better to ask a trusted family member or friend to talk to the children instead.

Communication with the other parent is essential as well. Both parents should discuss plans to talk with the children about the divorce before either speaks directly to the children.

Keeping communication topics appropriate post-divorce

The first two to three years post-divorce are usually the most difficult for children. Following a divorce, communication remains essential. However, the focus now shifts to topics that should be avoided for the overall health of the family unit.

It is crucial to refrain from speaking negatively about a former spouse. Although this may seem like common sense, even unconscious gestures, such as eye rolls or facial expressions, may reveal negative feelings that can be damaging to the children.

It's encouraged to ask children about time spent with the other parent. This lets them know that the topic is not one they should avoid. Although, it's important to avoid being overly aggressive when inquiring about the other spouse since children may feel like they are being recruited to "spy" on the other parent and resent it.

Financial issues should stay between the adults in the family. Children should never know who pays for what, or if a parent is late on a payment.

Finally, it's important to make sure that children are not used as tools for communicating with a former spouse. Although interacting with a former spouse may be uncomfortable, it is crucial that messages are communicated directly between parents. When children relay messages back and forth, negative responses may be directed at them rather than the other parent.

Remembering these tips helps ensure that the divorce process and adjustment to life post-divorce are as painless as possible.

The right attorney can ease the whole family's transition during the divorce process

Because divorce is such a turbulent time for many families, a compassionate and experienced divorce attorney can be helpful in securing the best possible outcome for an individual parent and the family as a whole. A qualified divorce attorney can work on filings and other legal steps, while the parents are free to focus on preserving family relationships, which may include creating stable relationships with blended families.

Article provided by Wolfe & Stec, Ltd.
Visit us at www.dupagecountydivorce.com